Chapter 150

Despite her resolve to sleep on the problem, Sara just couldn’t find the comfort of oblivion, tossing and turning for endless hours, finally giving up on it just after three in the morning, heading along to the kitchen to make coffee. She took a giant mug of coffee and a handful of cookies through to the living room, curling onto the couch with her book. After a hundred or so pages, and two refills on her coffee, she was buzzing from the caffeine and itching to do something. Anything.

A glance at the clock told her it was just past five o’clock, and she headed for the shower. After a quick shower, she blowdried her hair then dressed and left the house, driving over to the studio, loving how empty the roads were at such a ridiculously early hour.

Inside, she started yet another pot of coffee, then took the first mug with her, over to the computer to check on email. As the computer booted up, she unthinkingly picked up a sheaf of prints from the printer tray, stopping suddenly as she looked at the top sheet, seeing Jon with his kids all around him, all five of them grinning happily at the camera.

“Shit!” She whispered, sinking down onto the seat, wondering if it was wrong of her to deny Jon what he wanted.

Slowly, Sara flipped through the rest of the prints, eventually laying down all but one. The last one that Steph had taken, with Jon’s arm around her waist, hers on his shoulder as they cuddled close. As she looked at the photo, Sara could feel tears prickle her eyes, caught between loving Jon, wanting - needing - to please him, and her own feelings. She carefully put the photos into a neat stack, then slipped them into a board-backed envelope, ready for delivery.

Checking her inbox, Sara found nothing exciting, and she headed for the kitchen to get a refill on her coffee, glancing thoughtfully at the envelope as she passed. She worked around the studio for a while, pausing each time the envelope caught her attention, then just before nine o’clock she gave in. Leaving her coffee mug where it lay, she scribbled a quick note for Paul, then grabbed the envelope and left the studio, running downstairs to her car.


Jon was up early too, and he’d been sitting on the couch for hours, scribbling lyrics until he realised he was writing some seriously depressing stuff - ‘music to slit your wrists by’ as Richie had once put it. Finally it got late enough - almost eight in the morning - that he figured he could call Dot, so he grabbed his cellphone and dialled.

“Morning, Jon.”

“Hi.” He decided not to skirt around the question, but just ask her straight out. “Are the kids there?”

“Romeo’s here, but the others are still getting ready for school. Why?”

“I just…..I need to ask you something, Dot. Did you - I mean have you - ever had……had an abortion?”

Standing in the kitchen of the house they’d built together, Dorothea squeezed her eyes tightly shut at the memory of something she’d thought he’d never know about. Something she’d tried hard to forget, even though she still felt it had been the right thing to do.

“Well?” Jon pressed.

“Yes.” Dot said softly, knowing she had nothing to lose anyway. She’d already lost him. Or let him go, really, so why lie to him.

Sitting in his apartment, Jon pressed his lips together, fighting back the first, angry words that rose to his mind. He took a deep breath before he spoke, his thumb and forefinger massaging his eyes, trying to shift the gritty feeling.

“When? Recently?” He paused, then asked with great feeling. “Jesus - why, Dot?”

“It was a long time ago, Jon. Back when we were only just married. Hell, we were just kids ourselves, and we get married then you run off, back out on the road, and, well I just wasn’t ready to be a single mom. And, right then, that’s exactly what I would’ve been.”

“I can’t believe this. Why did you never tell me?”

“Well, when would you like me to have told you something like that, Jon? Oh, by the way honey, while you were away I found out I was pregnant, but it’s okay now. Besides, after that tour you fell into such a funk, I was glad I’d done it, because it was no time for me to be taking care of a kid and trying to take care of you.”

“Oh, so it was my fault?”

“No, Jon. That’s not what I said. It was my decision. I never meant you to find out, quite honestly. How did you find out?”

“Sara.”

“What? How the hell did she find out?”

“I think my mom told her.” Jon was surprised to find that, after the initial shock, he didn’t feel much one way or the other about Dot’s secret. It was so long in the past, and he was more concerned about Sara right now. “Did mom know?”

“Yeah. She came with me to the hospital. I think she was hoping we wouldn’t stay together, and she wanted to keep things between you and I simple, so she supported my decision. Nice of Sara to share the secret.” She finished, and Jon could hear the anger in her voice.

“Don’t blame Sara. We got into a fight and I pushed it too far. She didn’t exactly tell me either - she let a little bit slip and I figured it out, but I decided to ask you, find out if it was true. Guess it was.” Jon looked at his watch. “Sorry, Dot - I gotta go get ready. Talk to you later. Bye.”

“Bye.” Dot echoed faintly, surprised at Jon’s reaction - or lack of it really.

Since the phone call, Jon had dragged himself to the shower, replaying the conversation as he stood at the mirror, running his hands through his hair and glad that there was no need to get dressed up in a suit and tie to go see Ken. He grimaced at his reflection, seeing the dark hollows around his eyes and the pale, drawn look, legacy of a long, sleepless night. He couldn’t stomach the thought of food, and the mug of black coffee he forced himself to drink only reminded him of Sara’s caffeine addiction. As he headed for the door, his cellphone rang, and he answered the call as he reached to unlock the door.


Sara had managed to remember the route to Jon’s apartment, and she was in luck, as a limo pulled away from the parking space right near the door just as she arrived. She swung her car into the vacant spot and switched off the engine, taking a moment to calm herself before picking up the envelope of photos and getting out of the car.

In the apartment building, she went straight past the doorman, using the key Jon had given her to operate the elevator, heading up to his floor. After the way she’d left, though, she didn’t want to let herself into the apartment, and when she arrived in his foyer she dialled his cellphone, pacing nervously across the marble floor. Her heart sank when his cellphone cut straight to voicemail, telling her he was on another call. She hung up and redialled, this time trying the apartment number. After a few rings that, too, cut to the answering machine. Belatedly, Sara remembered Jon telling her he had a meeting this morning, and when she looked at her watch she realised he’d be gone already. She had a sudden recollection of the limo that had pulled away when she arrived, and she guessed that it had taken Jon away.

As much as she hated answering machines, she decided she would leave a message this time, and she laid the envelope down on the little table by the door, pacing back and forth again as she spoke.

“Jon……it’s Sara. I just wanted to say I’m sorry, for what I said. It was nothing to do with me, and I shouldn’t have told you. And about the other thing,” she took a deep breath, but she knew it was what she had to do, “well, I’m pretty sure you know how I feel about having children. If you didn’t before, you do now, and I guess maybe - if you still want children - then maybe I’m not the person you need. I’m sorry. I wish I could be what you want, but I won’t lie to you and say I’ll change my mind. I don’t know if I would or not. Anyway, you’ve got my numbers, so give me a call if you want to. I guess if nothing else you’ll want to pick up your stuff from my place. Well……bye.”

Turning away sadly, she pressed the elevator call button, standing staring at her feet as she waited, fighting tears and the deep ache of a breaking heart.

“Are you dumping me?” She heard that soft, familiar voice behind her, and spun to find Jon standing in the doorway.

“Jon? I thought…..I thought you had a meeting this morning?”

“I did. I was just about to leave when Ken’s assistant called, told me they had to cancel.” He stuffed his hands into the front pockets of his jeans, looking across at her through untidy blond hair. “So……are you dumping me?”

“Jon - I love you, but I just think, well, you want more kids, and I don’t want any. It doesn’t seem right for me to deny you that, so I just thought……..”

“Oh, Jesus, darlin’………I’m sorry. I’ve been thinking about this all night. I think your reaction just surprised me, but you’re right. I do have four children, and maybe I’m too old for another round of diapers and midnight feeds.”

He took a step out into the foyer, the marble icy under his bare feet, speaking softly but sincerely.

“Sara - I love you. If you don’t want kids, that’s okay with me. If you decide you can put up with me, then in a few years you decide you want a baby, that’s okay, too. All I really want is for you to want me. Please don’t leave.”

Sara stared at him, the simple, honest way he spoke far more devastating than any tears or dramatic gestures could ever be, clawing at her heart with an almost physical pain. Behind her, the elevator doors pinged open as Sara looked at Jon, and then they slid shut again, leaving them both in the foyer, standing looking at each other. Silently, Jon held out a hand, palm up, and Sara took a hesitant step, her fingers sliding into his palm before she looked up into his eyes.

“I love you so much.” She sobbed suddenly, tears flowing over her lashes as she blinked.

“I love you more.” Jon whispered as he pulled her into his arms, hugging her like a drowning man who’d found a lifebelt.

They clung together in the foyer for minutes, until Sara moved back a fraction so she could look up at Jon. She pressed her mouth onto his, feeling his lips open to her as he kissed her back hungrily. When they broke for breath, Jon spoke again.

“I’m glad you decided to leave a message, otherwise I wouldn’t have known you were out here.”

“Well, I brought you some of the photos………” Sara looked at him in confusion. “Actually, how did you know I was here? Are there security cameras?”

“No. No cameras. I caught the end of your message when I came into the room, and I heard that.” He nodded toward the tall antique clock, the deep tick loud in the foyer. “I heard the clock ticking and realised you were here.”

“I’m glad.” Sara whispered.

“Me too. Come on. Let’s go inside, baby.”

Still holding her close, Jon led Sara over to the apartment door, and she picked up the photos as she passed the table. As she stepped over the threshold, into Jon’s home, she looked up into his eyes, smiling softly, and Jon returned the smile gladly.

Jon closed the door behind them, and the soft click of the lock was almost symbolic, as they both knew - without words - that their old, separate lives were over, and whatever was to come, they would meet it head on. Together.